Friday, February 26, 2010

In my humble opinion

I have read in Malaysian newspapers that 7 out of 10 inter marriages between people from western cultures i.e the orang putih failed miserably.

There were a few assumptions such as the different cultural background, the different religious background and the short time of knowing each other are being the reasons.

I am married to a white American Muslim. There were many unpleasant encounters with Malaysian especially Melayu when I went home to visit.

One incident when browsing at a craft store I was asked if I was a social escort to a white man I was with.

I was given a dirty look when my husband held my hand at a Rest and recreation stop on the north south highway. I overheard a derogatory comment "Kesian mat salleh tu dapat pompuan siam tua" . For goodness sake my husband is also old. We are in our late fifties.

I was told off at a crowded arrival gate to move to a hotel room when my husband was hugging me when he came out of the customs.

I was called names when some people on my blog found out I married a white man. I was called besar kepala, megah, lupa diri etc.

Some even assumed that I was not practicing Islam and discarded my asal usul.

These are some reasons that are hard to make an inter cultural marriages work.

In my humble opinion, in order to have your marriage work if you happen to have a white man for a husband is to live away from your community. Periodical visits are healthier in your relatioship with your family as well as with your marriage.

17 comments:

Mrs. Green said...

i feel like highlighting your conclusion to the general public. but i might get lynched.

Mutiara said...

Mrs green:) It is hard to make your marriage work when there are so many parties that feel that your life is theirs as well. They have good intentions, but it is not their lives after all.

Unknown said...

i so agree with you (last para). :)

Anonymous said...

I throughly agree with your last paragraph.

The main thing is my parents gave their blessings and I never try to be a Minah Salleh.

Puyi

Anonymous said...

was married to a matsalleh too. did not have problems regarding culture. before marriage i took him back to meet my family and soaked in the malaysian culture. then only I asked if he has any problems living the culture & belief because I am a product of that culture and belief. initially when we return to msia for our annual trip I have to remind him on the local dos and don'ts. sekarang dia dah paham i don'r have to remind about hugging, kissing and other types of PDAs that will offend local sensitivities anymore. And before anyone can infer anything negative seing us together, I try to put the thoughts at bay by introducing him as my husband. kadang-kadang he did that himself. and I agree with Puyi's recommendation of not trying to become a minah salleh. sometimes we see too much of that in kawin campur partakers that give rise to the 'meluat' feelings in the locals.

Mutiara said...

Puyi and anon. I certainly did not try to be a minah salleh. I am a happily married 58 years old.
I am happy for you two since your spouses could assimilate well into your culture. Mine is an old dog, hard to train.

and Anon...what happened? was once married to one? It did not work?

Anonymous said...

he has passed on to better place several years back.

Mutiara said...

Dear Anon., Al-Fatehah for him and may rest in peace with those that pleases Allah.

sue said...

kak,
saya pun tak paham kenapa ramai orang yang berfikiran macam tu. Kawin dengan orang putih ker...orang coklat ker.. orang hitam ker.. yang penting bahagia.. serasi..
Ada jugak yang cakap belakang bila orng kite kawin orang luar.."mcam tak de lelaki dalam negara nie.. cari orang luar.. bagus sangat ker dia orang tu?".. mereka tak pk ker, jodoh dan pertemuan itu tuhan yang tentukan.. belum t entu kawin dengan org dalam tu bahagia.. dan tak semestinya kawin dengan org luar tu tak bahagia..
biar apa orang kata.. yang penting akak bahagia...

~sayang akak~

Mutiara said...

Sue, lama nya tak sembang dgn Sue. Blog Sue pun dah privatised. Apa khabar? Thank you for dropping by and leaving a comment.

Entah ler Sue, ramai org anggap kalau kawen orang putih tu dandan kita jadi macam org putih jugak. Saya ni dah tua bangka, suami pegang tangan turun kereta pun kena tegur kata tak senonoh. tapi kalau org tua melayu pegang tangan isteri depa, komen nya.."loving nya". Double standard lah kan. macam yg saya kata kat arrival gate tu. masa tu ramai org balik haji sama, dan mereka berpeluk cium sondoi2 lagi, tak pulak kena halau dan suruh pi cari bilik hotel.I am sure, tak semua yg berpeluk tu muhrim.
Entah ler Sue, semua tak kena.
Forget about it.
So, bila Sue rasa2 nak visit saya? mai ler rasa dok kampung kat US

Anonymous said...

Mutiara, sesetengah org melayu had a certain image of malay women yg kawin dgn mat saleh ni and I certainly do not fit that image. I too received deragotary comments sometimes. Strangers boleh tanya "ia ke husband"?When we went home, I had to tell Bill what not to do etc and certainly no PDA. And young women made remarks about him infront of me as if I wasn't there.
Farizah B

Mutiara said...

ha ha ha talking about remarks, when we stopped at one place nak makan, ada one woman commented "kesian matsalleh ni dapat pompuan siam tua". Mulut!!!

Anonymous said...

I came by your site by chance. I am married to a Mat Salleh. I do not fit into the Malay culture's norm of beauty. I am neither kurus or putih (kulit) or have a hidung mancung. When I got married people invited themselves to my wedding because they wanted to see for themselves the old man that I was marrying. Turned out, he was a man of my age but it didn't stop there. Apparently he is too good looking for me with his kulit putih merah, mata biru and hidung mancung. Our son looks sebijik like me with some of my husband's traits but sadly when I go back home to visit, the locals especially young woman will make nasty comments that I am my son's maid.Once someone made a comment right infront of my face and ironically perempuan itu wanita Islam yang bertudung, "Mak! Aku ingat dia maid Mat Saleh tu rupanya bini!". Then there are so many dos and don'ts that the husband has to abide to. Luckily he is very understanding but I don't know how we are going to cope if we live there permanently.

Pretty Crafts said...

Assalamualaikum, kak I am new to your blog and so far liking it. I am also minah melayu yang kahwin dengan American Muslim man and I had the same problem with you. Everytime we go back for vacation in Malaysia there is a lots of tidal senang eyes watching for us not to say we are hugging or kissing each other in the public. I also hear a lots of negative comments from my back same as you, nor I am not 58 I am just 39 and hubby is 43 but I think the masyarakat melayu memang madam ni. Even one time the hotel reception won't aloud me to my room thinking that I am a "ayam" tried to sneak into one of their client room. That time we stay at Sheraton Imperial Hotel. Living in the states I never tried to change myself to becoming a minah salleh as hubby always said he married me because he love me, my culture, my family, my religion.. Thanks to Allah for giving my jodoh with him even I had to travel far from my family but he is a good man.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mutiara,

I am a Malaysian married to a Brit and now living happily in malaysia for the last 4 years.

Alhamdulillah, I don't get the funny glances, or hear the nasty comments from the locals, probably because I tend to avoid being anywhere near people who would. My husband Andy loves it here and we get on with lives our way.

The only problem I get is, since I always stay away from negativity, I tend to not have many friends here in kl. I studied and worked in the uk for almost 10 years of my life so to find couple with the same background is kind of a struggle. Mix eurasian couples have different ideas about a marriage than a Malaysian couple, mainly due to the cultural differences. For example, a Malay husband would expect their wives to learn to cook his favorite dish for him. I totally disagree with this as my English husband would never expect me to do such a thing for him, I would instead voluntarily do it because I want to do it as opposed to being made to do it for him.

I came across your blog in search of a friend(s) of similar background and hope that anyone who experience the same predicament would make contact :-) in fact, I reckon we should even start a new social group and talk about or share our similarities, interests, opinions. We are after all a special breed in kl (malaysia) with awesome and exciting lives to have made the bold move to be different :-)

Thanks mutiara, hope one day we can be friends :-)

Unknown said...

Assalamualaikum Puan.lega dpt jumpa blog Puan.dah lama Cari blog mcm ni. I'm not married yet but I always wanted to get married with mat salleh guy.Tapi kan..when I mentioned this..I always got negative comments.kena kutuk.asyik kena kata takda org melayu ke nak kawin..baguih Sgt ke kawin org putih and bla bla bla.I'm so sick with that.masa study dulu saya byk mingle around with foreigner terutamanya mat salleh. How I can see the differences between mat salleh guy and Malay guy. I once had -ve thoughts about mat salleh guy. Tapi bila kenal dorang,tak spt apa yg saya pikirkan. Malay guy byk lg yg teruk. Cuma luahan perasaan drpd org muda. Harap Puan sudi mmbaca. Tq.

N. N. Fatin said...

Hi alls.
I came across your blog sis mutiara after searching for answers to my questions.

I met an American man, divorcee (3 beautiful teenagers). We talked, we shared things. And at last, he proposed to marry me. I was shocked. Because I never expected such thing. He asked me whether my parents will allow me to marry him or not? I don't know how to answer because I never talked to my parents about marriage and even marry to an American. I'm in dilemma actually. Because I've been in a bad relationship with Malay man before (I dont even know if it's a relationship afterall).

Can you please lend me an advice on how to talk to my parents about this guy?

Then, he asked me to move to the States with him after we got married (he got his own business there), which I am quite scared. Because I've never stayed abroad for mire than 2 weeks. Huhu..

You can reply or reach me at my email (nickfatyn88@gmail.com). I really hope that you will reply. Or others who experience this kind of CINTA ANTARA BENUA, are welcome to share.

Thank you.